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Loneliness, Companionship and Freedom

Red_SkySq

Three weeks ago, I slipped on a wet stair and hit my foot on our metal door. Then subsequently developed cellulitis from the open wound.

In some ways, my foot injury has been a blessing, as are most uncomfortable issues in life. It’s put me back in touch with the meaning of loneliness.

When I first moved to Europe, and couldn’t speak the language, I felt very isolated. I had no local family or friends, only my husband (who was both family & friend). I had vast amounts of time daily, when he was at work – -and when he was out of the country, at workshops, that’s the most time I’ve had alone ever. Ever.

I would walk alone in the city, just to take in the beauty of nature and human existence. Never speak a word during the day, for days on end. I never even spoke to cashiers, as I couldn’t understand them, nor did I want to reveal I was American (even though my clothing and hairstyle probably revealed that).

And, it’s funny. It didn’t even matter. If they mumbled something to me, I just nodded as if I understood, and was on my way. An old woman on a street train would be growling some comments and I’d nod politely.

Language is not companionship. Only our presence is.

It was my first encounter with real loneliness. Instead of being depressed, I questioned attaching a feeling with being alone. It drove me deeper, to why I’m here. And drove me within, to a place of feeling a connection with something great, something joyful.

Now with my injury, and Daniel out of town for nearly three weeks, I’m usually needing to lay with my foot elevated and have only gone out to the doctor twice in two weeks, minor shopping while I’m out, and the garden just once. And again, I recollect similar remembrances of being isolated. But even in the US, I can do the same thing with cashiers. Nod, smile, say “yes” to having a nice day and “finding everything OK.”

It’s occurred to me that loneliness is creative, just as boredom is creative. We find all kinds of ways to fill in the time to avoid feeling lonely or bored.

But, the most outstanding thing I’ve learned is how we can never be free or independent unless we face loneliness. We can’t avoid it, push it aside, and fill in the feeling with other things. As long as we do, we are dependent on all those things, people, events, sex, food, etc. How can we have a voice of our own if we’re always seeking approval, to fill in the loneliness?

If we fear loneliness, we will always say what’s needed, in order to be accepted. We can’t be ourselves if we’re saying things, dressing, behaving, to be accepted. We want to be accepted because we don’t want to be lonely.

Try being lonely. You might find, like I have, that friendship is usually a set of agreements that have nothing to do with companionship. When those sets of agreements change, that person is no longer interested in us.

So what is it to just be a companion to someone, without an agreement? Without a conformity? Without doing something for their approval? What would happen if we are who we really are, and not trying to be what we think someone else wants? And further, not being secretive because we fear rejection if people only knew who we really were. How many lies do we live by, just to be accepted to avoid loneliness?

You want freedom, we all want freedom. But unless we’ve walked through loneliness, without trying to change it, we can’t be free. And worse, we won’t find the source of true companionship within us. To be joyful, without cause, is freedom.

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6 comments

  1. Many are called for a life change; so few are chosen by themselves. I am not young enough to be naive regarding the world and people. And not too old to the point of being stagnant, alienated, retrograde and pessimistic about the world.
    There was a time that I used to work 16 hours a day. The remaining hours I slept dreaming about work. I stayed almost twenty years like this.
    One day I felt I could no longer drive the car by myself. The world was
    too big. I felt small. My arms had no strength to fight against the current that was totally stopping my life.
    After going to the doctor I decided to totally change my life. I stopped everything for a year. I learned to live again. As a child who needs to learn everything for the first time. Finally I overcame.
    I remembered Julio Cesar and his crossing in Strait of Dover with
    his legions. As he stepped ashore with all his men, he ordered the burning of all ships.
    The generals were terrified. They said: “And if we lose the war how we can flee?”
    And thus Cesar replied: “There is only a single possible move – move on. No escape routes. Concentrate all forces on yourselves. We will win or die.”
    And It was with this feeling that I tried to live my life from then.

    p.s. I always say to my son: “Wherever you go, your real home is inside of you”

    All the best. =)

    Like

    • Oh Kalki, I have been in those situations all too many times in my life. Some outward forces drive me within. What seems bad or chaotic is always a call to go within, wouldn’t you say? Thanks for sharing your story. I like the no escape routes – this is another way of saying no compromise. We are who we are, we will live or die by it.

      I once was faced with homelessness – meaning, I refused to borrow anymore money from friends or relatives to pay my rent. This was when I was going through a bitter divorce, raising 3 kids alone and he dodged child support.

      When I refused to compromise, I got a call and job offer out of the blue, from someone I talked to fully two months prior. My first paycheck literally came the day my rent was due.

      Like

  2. sorry to hear about your injury…. lonliness is painful….you are right, sometimes we just “put up” to not be without a companion + sometimes we have to be something to fit in…good post:-)

    Like


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